The beginning of my end

So, once upon a time I thought this blog would be a comprehensive and compelling account of our mold illness journey with a detailed account of how we got sick and a victorious account of how we eventually got well. Well, even before mold severely compromised my ability to function, I was a pretty lackadaisical blogger and writer. My best self never once finished a writing project other than forced completions for school or work. So why I thought my mold self could do this...

Anyway, I don't have much time left so I have decided to spam my own blog with whatever information I deem relevant at the time. It will be six years since mold destroyed our lives in March of this year, 2019, and I have finally come to grips with the realization that we will never again achieve a normal state of being. We cannot live in normal housing because we have become too sensitized to even the smallest particles of mold, the toxins we were exposed to have also made us sensitized to all kinds of particulate irritants from chemicals such as laundry detergent and drier sheets, to every possible biological toxic agent from simple bacteria that grow in foods to average household molds and bacteria that are ubiquitous. This puts us in the position of either being homeless and putting up with all the headache and inconvenience that entails to suffering with constant and chronic daily pain in regular housing.

Currently we are putting up with the suffering because my husband refuses to live like "homeless losers" and he does not suffer as greatly as we do so he can tolerate normal housing just fine. It is only our suffering and mostly mine that he has to endure to live in a "normal house" like a "normal human being" so it is easy enough to for him to put up with it. Meanwhile I have searing, burning eye pain daily, so bad that most days I cannot keep my eyes open...imagine that unbearable feeling you get when shampoo gets in your eyes but constant and unremitting. I alternate dripping ice water and refrigerated preservative free eye drops in my eye for the 4 to 5 seconds of relief it brings and spend the rest of my time with a wet rag over my eyes. My nose also burns from breathing in contaminated air but not as bad, it is a tolerable burning. I have chronic headaches and joint pain and brain fog but all of that pales in comparison to the eye pain.

Because of this I have decided I cannot go on. It has been six years of me hoping the eye pain would get better, of constantly trying to alter our environment to seek out a place where I could feel better. In clear air my eyes feel fine, sometimes I have found places clear enough that my eyes felt almost normal and I remembered what it was to feel happy, but those places are so few and far between and they are never places I can "live." It has become truly hopeless for me, so as soon as I can work up the gumption and the right plan, I will euthanize myself as is my right as a chronic sufferer of an incurable condition.