Why I came back to my blog in the first place...

 So I have finally come to the realization that it will never get better. No doctor has any clue what is wrong with us or how to fix it. In fact, our blood work is normal. Lily's EKGs and heart Echo both totally normal, eyes are inflamed but shouldn't be causing the level of pain they do. It is just really disheartening to constantly have doctors invalidate you at every visit. "There is no discernable reason for your pain." "It's probably anxiety." "You're making yourself sick with this worry, you're a hypochondriac" It gets so invalidating that you start to doubt yourself. And in the end, you just give up on trying to find medical care because it's just too hard to face that constant dismissal of your symptoms. 

And then when family doubts you as well, and tells you to just see a doctor because they still have faith that doctors know what they're doing and actually care to find answers. And then they don't believe you either, or insist you're doing it to get attention. It's all just really isolating and you start to withdraw, because what's the point? No one believes you, no one cares. So this blog was meant to be the place where I could have some sort of release point to vent and help myself to cope so I could continue to survive. 

But it has been thirteen years. Thirteen years of excruciating pain, thirteen years of being dismissed and disbelieved, thirteen years of trying to figure this all out on my own and recover and create some kind of worthwhile future for my children and maybe even myself eventually. And I am tired. I am so tired and alone and isolated. I absolutely cannot do this anymore. 

I am exhausted. 

Well it's been a while

 So it has been six years since I've written in this blog. And man, has a lot happened. I skimmed some of my old posts but it was just too painful to really read and comprehend them. I had such hope back then that things would get better and we would one day find ourselves on the other side of this. I had hopes that my children would have a normal future, would get to attend school and make friends and do all those normal healthy kid things. 

Now I know, all these years later that none of that was meant to be. My children have gotten sicker and sicker, to where they're almost as sick as me, and I am so much sicker than I used to be, sicker than I could ever have imagined before. I never knew I would get so much worse or that my children would become as sick as me. 

A lot happened to make it this way, with proper family support from outside our little trio of nobodies, we might have stood a fighting chance. Just someone to believe us and emotionally support us would have made a world of difference. Oh, yes, that's right, we're a trio now. My husband passed away in 2020, leaving us completely alone and unfriended in the world because my family doesn't care at all what happens to us and his family certainly doesn't either. So we're just a lonely trio of very sick, rapidly declining Moldies trying to hang on to enough health and wealth to keep going another day.