Thursday, March 27, 2014

It's The Little Things...

that make life sweet. Here is a small, and ongoing, compilation of the little things I've lost due to this dread mold illness. I realize most of them are small and petty, but if most people were honest, it's the little things that make life worth living.

In no particular order, I've lost:

I've lost the ability to go to libraries and enjoy one of my favorite pass times-reading. I am too sensitive to molds and dust now to enjoy rifling through stacks of musty old books. It causes my eyes to burn and become even more inflamed than they regularly are, to the point I almost can't stand it, and then couldn't read anyway. It's not a major things, but it makes me sad. I am a lover of the written word, and it breaks my heart to not be able to enjoy it at my will. A kindle or ebook is just not the same. And who can afford new books when you have to replace everything you've owned or worked for your whole life overnight.

A huge hit to my vanity-no more contacts so I have to put up with glasses which is not just a hit to my vanity, but such an inconvenience I never realized. It is very rainy where I live so every time I go outside I have to remember to keep a cloth with me to wipe my glasses off so I can see since they get spattered with rain. They fog when I open the oven or try to clean dishes in hot soapy water. I can't shave my legs since my vision is so poor and I can't wear glasses in the shower, so I end up a bloody mess. My kids can't jump on me like they used to without knocking my glasses into me or them. It makes it harder to wrestle and tickle and play with them like I used to. Also hard to workout, as if I could do that anyway anymore.

Another hit to my vanity- no more makeup. My eyes are chronically inflamed and I can't use any makeup at all, without increasing the inflammation and pain. As a pale skinned ginger with orangey eyelashes and brows, this is kind of a big deal. I used to love piling on eyeliner and mascara to enhance my eyes and diminishing how much my freckles stood out with a dash of powder. Now I have to face the world with my awful ginger faults all brazenly on display (that's tongue in cheek, y'all). But still, it makes it hard to want to go places when not only do I not feel well, I feel like I look awful too.

I've lost the ability to work out. Now I know some people will say, uh, no big loss, but for me it is. I loved exercising. I have since I was a young teenager discovering dance and aerobics in junior high. I enjoy being active, I love running and lifting weights, and of course, I love the results. I love kickboxing, Taebo, dance aerobics, calisthenics. It literally gives me that endorphin high, as well as giving me so much energy and strength, and makes me feel good about myself. Sometimes I make myself take a walk around the block to get a little exercise, but it's not the same. I really miss that.

Feeling good about myself, as well as feeling good in general, I miss that too.

And yet more hits to my vanity- weight gain. Besides not being able to work out and being depressed and feeling ill in general, something about mold seems to cause weight gain. It's awful. I have never been this heavy and that of course brings me down too.

Hair loss- yes, more petty hits to my vanity, but come on, a women's hair is literally her crowning glory. I loved my hair, it's rare, bright jewel color of red, it's length and shininess, it's curl. And now, I have bald patches, it's thin. God, I'm hideous!


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